Isn’t it your job to make me happy?

A couple weeks ago, I visited a coffee shop, Sweetness 7, with my boyfriend, Jeff. I met Jeff here on our first date, July 26’15. Today was picked to be a celebration of our one year anniversary. While I was sitting, and waiting for my brunch, I couldn’t resist examining this particular journey of mine, intimate relationship. With Jeff, relationship has been exceptionally easy, and within the very deep part of me I have a strong feeling that this one will last. First of all, I never have this kind of feeling before which to me is very weird and different since the history of my past relationship was the same, ended. So, it’s piqued my curiosity of why this one feel like it will last? What make this relationship different? Why do I feel so at ease and comfortable with it?

My intimate relationship began when I was about 17 years old, my very first boyfriend. We were together for a year happily, and then ended a year later when he moved to a different school. I couldn’t remember how it was ended, but many years later he told me that it was my wish. Relationship was spontaneously formed in this period of my life. It went something like this. I was in Miss Teen Thailand Pageant when I was 18, and I had a boyfriend. A year later, a couple of my friends saw my talent in dancing, and then 6 of us put together a group to contest for prizes. We won many of them and within this time I found myself in another relationship. Then before I know it I was asked to dance in a big concert of famous Thai singers, and then continued on to become a couple of distinctive dancers and singers look for a couple of albums, and within the journey I developed relationships. Well, I am pretty sure that my appearance had a lot to do with it. From my observation, each relationship seemed to come to an end mostly because I didn’t really care much about the relationship at a time. It happened. I grabbed it, sailed with it to the next phase of my life and then I shifted the boat. It seemed like the only thing I knew and care most was me, my careers, and my next things, whatever these things were.

I remembered hearing someone said guys are simple. Food and sex will satisfy them. As funny as it sounds, I feel like it holds some truth. I have 5 brothers, and in many relationships. They taught me their authentic simplicity which far simpler than women in my opinion. For example, men say things and mean them. Girls say somethings and mean something else. I was one of them and I was good at complicating my life at a time. Things didn’t seem to satisfy me. I was always looking for more. I remembered I pushed so much pressure toward my boyfriends, just to make sure they did things the way I wanted them, but at the end of the day, still their actions weren’t good enough. I was always hunger for extra when it came to their actions. I’m wondered why I was like that back then? I wasn’t a bad person. But I believe I was full with ignorance and fear, so my ego and selfishness were running my life. I was looking for something to satisfy and protected me, but too bad that I didn’t know sooner that my true satisfaction and security have to come from within me, and not from my boyfriends or anyone else.

Then the relationship after all those was with my ex-husband. This relationship and a chapter of my life, first of all, were affirming me that God is real. Why? Because I had this strong willingness to drop my celebrity all together, seriously it was too weird, or maybe I was crazy. Well either way, I still trusted that I was guided to my destiny and God did all of them. Second of all, this relationship was one of the many things that happened in my life at this time that brought about the true transformation, my truth satisfaction and my true happiness. It was very hard and rough journey, but with the best rewards ever. My husband and I met in Thailand, we dated for a while, and then we decided to get marriage, then my whole life changed drastically. I went from being famous, confident, had lot of friends to person that no one cared much about me. I became ever more insecure about myself. I couldn’t relate to anyone, and I couldn’t connect to anyone. Language was a big barrier. I felt like I was many step behind everyone, so I made myself less than anyone else. I walked out in the room most of the time with body language was always in a protective mood, close off, so most people couldn’t and wanted to take time to get to know me. My whole entire identities were collapsing, and I was trying to pick piece back up. It was real hard because it started to form differently than what I used to. I felt scare, hopeless, and anxious. I didn’t know how to ask for help. I didn’t know how to communicate to my ex, but I seriously held him accountable to help me get through it. Surely he could only do so much, and I sincerely didn’t’ know how much he did. All I knew was he can do better. I could be more patient and he should be there for me when I needed him most, but clearly he was at his max and saying goodbye was a better option for him. Now I can understand why!

Some of the scenes in this part of my life are still vivid to me until today. Such as a night that I coiled myself in to a tiny ball, and cry my eyeballs out, felt totally a looser. I was lonely, I was confused, I wanted to hug my mom or my friends, but I had no one. Also the night that I had a conversation with my mom, painfully told her what happened. She told me to pack and go home, but I told her that it wasn’t my time to leave yet. When that massage moved through my month, I felt a long glimpse of peace and certainty. My whole body was response to it in a relaxing way, and I knew that what was said was the truth. But what was the truth? Damn!! I didn’t know it, and I couldn’t make myself to make sense to it. I hung up the phone and I cried some more.

My life piece by piece was picking and putting into a picture slowly and painfully. I started to have a glimpse of this path, but it took many years alter for me to understand the path, to embody the path, and to be solid on this true happiness path. Fear took over incalculably, and often I didn’t want to move forward, wondered did I do the right things? I cried a lot, lost hopes, but picked them back up by talking to God some more. I trained myself to appreciate lessons that came with challenges I had to face. I built a skill to see simple things as gems, and valued them wholeheartedly. Love, forgiveness, gratitude have become gems for my heart to collect. I got better at it, and I’m better at it.

I remember one night when my persistent of being on this true happiness decides to be solid within, I could tell that I am ready to be a partner of any good men. I actually had one relationship for a short time which I knew right away it wasn’t for me. I was respectfully told my partner. I felt very good for knowing my action, his action and respected us and confidently and lovingly able to share the truth. Saying goodbye is hard, and surely will always be; but, it feels so much more like victory when it’s done with love. I contacted most of my past relationships. First of all I asked what happened to us. I couldn’t remember the story most of the time. They told me their version of our relationship. I was willing to accept it as it’s shared, and expressed my humble gratitude with our time together, and sorry for my part.

I love and respect each one of them more now just because I know how to love myself. Our friendships are sincerely honored. I also allow myself to not judge and see while God brought my ex-relationships and me together at time; it is very interesting to look at it without judging both parties. We meant to meet. We did our best, and we meant to go separate way. I contacted one of my ex-boyfriend and told him the reasons why we both should get back together. I’m clear how we will be great together; however, he respectfully declined my offering. Then I respectfully accepted his wish, and it was such an amazing feeling.

The truth happiness I earn, bring me an understanding of unconditional love. I couldn’t be more humble to feel the love and earn the love for myself, and now my loves for others are for them, because now I know how to love myself truthfully.

When I met Jeff, and before I chose to take responsibility of my half in this relationship I was asking myself a big question, in a relationship, Aphinya, what matter most to you? The answer is cleared, love and respect. Jeff is generous, and his happiness is to show his love. The matter of the fact, most of my ex relationships are great with this beautiful quality, but my fear and my ignorance wasn’t allow me to appreciate this simple and beautiful quality. I was search for something else which mostly driven us insane. This time in my life, I get it. I support Jeff to practice his love, as much as I support mine. I receive what he is happy to give, no more. I respect our strengths, our weakness. I respect our separate paths and our paths and whole.

What I learned from having to spend a couple decades in a relationship is that relationship is tough. We are in a relationship most of the times with wounds of the past, of ignorance of becoming fully human. We try to find the way to heal these wounds by asking from others’ responsibilities just to fall over and over again. But, light starts to shine when we question the patterns of the failure. Then when it no longer becomes anyone else responsibility, but us then big chance is occurred. When we dig deeper within to understand the wounds, our love grows enormously toward ourselves. And then when our wound is healed, and love can finally become purely love, now we can appreciate it as it is; without having to put our trademark on it. Then finally life and relationship can become tranquil.

#life #journey